Another reason
Last month’s “Why am I doing this?” post answered the big question for creating Pocket—mostly for Annie and her legacy of helping people. And a little bit for me, because it helps me to focus on keeping that work going. But here’s another reason: Luca. He’s not all that involved in the work we’re doing, he’s 13—he’s mostly interested in what every other teenager is interested in and it’s definitely NOT what his Gramma spends her time working on. He knows about Pocket, of course, and makes positive noises when I tell him the latest thing we’re up to, but there is a limit to his interest in it. Which is fine, even though he is another reason that I am determined to create some lasting Annie spaces in the world.
It’s the reason I missed my goal to post this newsletter on the 17th of the month—I brought Luca with me to Maine for a couple of days before I begin my self-imposed three-week retreat. And while looking after a 13-year-old is easier than when he was 8 or 11, it’s still a 24/7 responsibility. He still needs regular meals, some monitoring of activities and, well, parenting.
I’ve been laser-focused on Luca and his grief and his behavior and his needs without trying to be annoying about it. There is no way I’m going to let so much as a grimace go by without making sure he’s not in some kind of emotional pain about not having his mom around anymore for the things she should be here for. But his grief is not my grief and I have to be very careful not to project mine onto him. But I have to tell you, it’s not easy. Some of the hardest times I’ve had are when he’s been sad or frustrated or just plain missing his mom. I confess, sometimes I make up that he’s grieving or sad, when he’s just in his own head about something. Like when I see him fishing, a time he tells me that he feels relaxed and peaceful, I wonder if he’s missing Annie. Because I sure do. I see him through her eyes and it just about destroys me. But that’s not for him to know.
One of the projects I brought with me to work on is Annie’s memoir. She started it after her diagnosis and was about a third of the way through when she died. That’s where the name of the organization came from—the title she was thinking about for her book. She thought A Pocket Full of Rocks because of “the phenomenon of adorable small children and their well-meaning collections of beautiful rocks and pebbles that were picked ‘just for you, mom.’” I have some ideas of how to go forward with it and I’ll spend some time on that this summer.
Meanwhile, Luca and I still haven’t been to the little store for ice-cream or off island to buy more fishing supplies. (Is it supplies? Or is it all “tackle”?) I wanted to get this out before it got too late, and now it’s done for this month. So that’s all for now, from Maine, at the edge of the lake on the island where Annie’s tree grows and her son fishes and that’s reason enough for me.
Another update: We finalized the scholarship to the arts summer camp that the organization Annie worked for held. She acted as kind of the camp mom (of course) and gave kids rides to and from the program, kept an extra first aid kit with organic lollipops, brought extra granola bars and just generally made sure the kids were okay. We’re very happy to make it possible for a couple more kids to attend this year.
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Pocket Full of Rocks
PO Box 186
Watertown, CT 06795
PS: The website is still down because I’m still trying to be a webmaster and I’ve only gotten to apprentice as yet. Keep an eye on this newsletter for updates and follow us on Instagram for any other newsy tidbits or pictures.